A masterpiece, if I do say so myself
+ Chris Rocked
Oscars! New insults! My first mantra! AD Power Rankings are back! Ashley Tisdale doesn’t know how to read, Lady Gaga is afraid of Caitlyn Jenner, and who the hell is Kelly Brianne?
Huge week for Sharpay Evans
Never enough Sharpay Evans in my life! Never!
I was allowed to get a TV in my childhood bedroom because I became obsessed with old Hollywood movies. I had really impassioned opinions about Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Sabrina, the ending of Casablanca etc. I would throw on movies like Funny Face while I was getting ready for school in the morning- it was all very chic. That is until High School Musical debuted on Disney Channel. And from that day forward, I couldn’t possibly care about anything else.
I left that movie in my DVD player day in, and day out for months. I watched that movie probably hundreds of times and I had fun watching it every single time. It was hedonism in the best possible way.
So when I see Sharpay Evans, nèe Ashley Tisdale, influencing the next generation of actors, I can’t even pretend to be shocked.
After our campaign to get Rachel Zegler to the Oscars, she was asked to present an award alongside Jacob Elordi which gave us our first iconic height difference of the night.
Rachel posted a video of them backstage showing Jacob getting into an almost full-split to be eye level with Rachel so that they could do the iconic Sharpay Evans vocal warm up. You know the one. *MAH! MAH!* etc.
The Oscars representation Sharpay deserves.
I am already exhausted. You can watch the full unedited video with audio here.
We should be talking about CODA’s huge win, Timmy being topless, the Anitas bonding, Gaga escorting Liza Minelli out, a dance team krumping during the in memoriam, and the 1% of Amy Schumer’s jokes that got laughs.
Initially, I wrote out a whole dedicated newsletter that was supposed to be in your inboxes on Monday night. But, as more came out about the incident, the more bizarre it started to become.
There is literally a conspiracy theory that this was a marketing stunt put on by the geniuses behind Pfizer, who are developing an alopecia treatment. I have not dug into any further details about this because what follow up questions could I possibly have?
Every single famous person is being asked about the slap as if by way of being famous they will also have something interesting to add. The only person who has answered this correctly is— and this might shock you— Harry Potter.
“I’m just so already dramatically bored of hearing people’s opinions about it that I just don’t want to be another opinion added to it,” - Potter
“Dramatically bored” is my new favorite phrase and my new email signature. It’s going directly into the Rodeo Hall of Fame in between “No one’s ever heard of a Machine Gun Kelly song, Bob.” and “You’re either born a muse, or you’re not.” Iconic! You’re a (dramatically bored) wizard, Harry!
But beyond that, I’m not interested in commenting on this because it has been dissected into a million new things that I can’t begin to sort through. Also, Will has since apologized (Chris has not), and I make it a rule not to involve myself in the emotional quarrels of grown men.
New insult, please utilize:
Caitlyn Jenner, of unchecked reckless driving, clearly loved being neighbors with Lady Gaga. She was obsessed with it! She loved it so much that she knew where Gaga got her coffee! Equally shocking: the woman who gave us ArtPop drinks Starbucks coffee. Call me a brat but… pass.
While pressing Gaga saying “I don’t see you at Starbucks anymore” Gaga gives the coldest, sharpest, most polite look I’ve ever seen while coyly purring, “I’ve switched baristas.”
*deceased*. I will be setting this as an auto reply on Slack the next time a colleague presses me to turn something in:
Them: “What's the status on your project? Can you get that to me by EOD?”
Me: “I’ve switched baristas.”
No follow up necessary.
More Sharpay, of course
AD Power Rankings.
Sharpay has entered the Architectural Digest Power Rankings chat. And it is, of course, good.
In cosmic timing that I only noticed, Ashley Tisdale’s AD home tour premiered the day after the Oscars. A gift from the heavens directly to me. Thanks.
Can Sharpay Evans read? Of course not! Why would she need to know how to do that?
The home is zen, flat, incredibly bright, and very minimalist. She decorated it herself (+10 points) but it’s filled with a lot of trendy pieces that I fear we will all hate in about 5 years (-8 points). The home is also begging for some bold art, she doesn’t have a ton of big open wall spaces, because there are so many windows, but where she does have room, I think a statement piece would define her space a little. It’s so airy that I felt like I would get lost in it in the sense that it didn’t have many hard starts and finishes. One room glides into another, and so on. Which is a pretty esthetic— if all of the rooms didn't look exactly the same.
Each one of her pieces is so on trend and so stylized that it doesn’t feel like it gets a chance to breathe. I love this look, but it’s taken to the nth degree in each room. She somehow manages to make it feel very lived in, especially with all of her confessions about messes that she hid right before AD got there.
It’s worth mentioning that Sharpay gave me my first mantra:
“A dip in the pool, a trip to the spa, endless days in my chaise, the whole world according to moi.” poetry!
So no shock here that she has a beautiful pool, though absent of any chaise lounges (she blames this on her new daughter). I hope she’s enjoying this beautiful home while someone reads her new books to her.
#1. Mark Ronson- please let me move into this home. But take away the wallpaper first.
#2 Dakota Johnson- limes
#3 Kendall Jenner- sorry but I love it.
#4 Vanessa Hudgens- the backyard!
#5 Shay Mitchell- small but I love the multi level downstairs
#6 Troye Sivan- I would make a lot of interior changes but I love it! The windows!
#7 Andy Cohen- just get rid of the Mexican themed room
#8 Devin Booker hate the location but love the coziness
#9 Liv Tyler- stunning brownstone (minus a lot of the interior)
#10 Ashley Tisdale- just let me hang some art
Congratulations Sharpay for finally closing out my top 10! From here on out upsets only.
Julia Fox is MY muse
Julia Fox has once again spoken, and it is good. From her clutch made of human hair, her dress that was choking her (literally), and her blood shot eyes that she didn’t even try to conceal— there is nothing about her that I do not celebrate. She is the chaotic celebrity we all deserve.
She was going to write a memoir but now it’s just, like, her first masterpiece. I didn’t know that she was writing a book, and I probably wouldn’t have had interest in reading it, but now that I know it’s a masterpiece— I mean tell me where to preorder!
About 24 hours after her interview started making the rounds online I received this text/glowing compliment which I will be framing:
We should all dare to live like Julia Fox: completely unfazed by fame, completely comfortable with attention, and shamelessly marketing the living daylights out of ourselves. She’s my personal muse.
Why did you come to this lol
Sorry, this is what fumbling the ball looks like.
On what planet, in what solar system, in what dimension, are you given an invitation to the Oscars and think… “black pencil dress.” And it’s made out of some sort of linen blend? I’m sorry, but I could make this dress at home in a matter of hours. (me: soft launching a skill)
This is, by a long shot, the most boring thing to grace the Oscars red carpet since Jamie Dornan. When I heard her and Travis were going, I was hoping, praying even, that they would shock us. Wear white, red, literally any color. Add some drama. Ask North to style you. Do literally anything other than an all black outfit that is as forgettable as what I ate for breakfast. (A muffin from Paloma on Union, too cakey.)
I’m trying to understand the thought process here…but there isn’t one, I'm afraid. Because it’s black it is therefore edgy? And by edgy it is therefore playing into your weird “hot rock n’ roll couple” thing that you and Travis are shoving down our throats? I can’t, I shan't.
Kourtney has the ability to show up. Remember when they went to Tokyo and Kim told her and Khloe that they looked like clowns? But actually they looked great and Kim was in silver bike shorts. During that trip, Kourtney was working with a team to put together a bunch of fun looks just to go from the hotel to the car. And you’re telling me she had zero inspiration to come up with something fun for the OSCARS?
She even wore something more interesting to her living room for Christmas:
Where was this energy? I hope that marrying Travis isn’t also marrying into a lifelong wardrobe of nothing but black.
After seeing Travis eating a banana, I’m confident saying that he will never leave you, not even if you wear pastels. Ça suffit.
Being pregnant is officially her “thing”
Hilary Thomas from Boston can’t stop carrying children. God bless her fertile and resilient womb. She announced on Instagram that she and Bad Vegan contributor, Alec Baldwin, are expecting another “Baldwinito”. This will be their seventh “Baldwinito” in 10 years of marriage. I’m no mathematician, but that feels like… a lot.
The face of a man who absolutely needs another new born:
Kelly Brianne? I don’t know her.
Kelly Clarkson has legally changed her name to Kelly Brianne following her tumultuous divorce. But plot twist: Brianne is not her maiden name. Nor is it a family name.
I’m not sure what moved her to do this, seeing as her and her name are both highly recognizable. Breakaway? By Kelly Clarkson. The Kelly Clarkson Show? Hosted by Kelly Clarkson.
If she wanted a fun new change to signal new beginnings in her life, get bangs like the rest of us.
Besides, we already have a Brienne:
Ew. Not me making a Game of Thrones joke before I’ve had my coffee.
The only other thing I’m thinking about
Is myself. Because I’m moving today and my boyfriend has Covid. You should also have me in your thoughts. <3