Formally releasing my job
+ Yeah, Drake, Nevermind!
Beyoncé is having a renaissance and we’re all invited! Quit your job! Plus, my thoughts on Drake’s new album, why do the Jonas’s hate Kevin, and some updates on upcoming Talk Rodeo eps!
Honestly? I do not mind Drake.
Drake is in the club. His pants are not quite tailored correctly. Jack Harlow is there, as required by law.
Beyoncé announces that her album is coming out on July 29th. Someone whispers this into Drake’s ear.
Drake is concerned, he wanted to release his album that week too. But Drake knows he couldn't possibly compete with thee Beyoncé.
Drake calls his producer, he calls his engineer, he tells them “bois, we’re releasing this at midnight. Finish it up.” It’s 9pm because Drake goes to the club early on Thirsty Thursdays.
They have 3 hours to try and master this album.
Then, Drake logs onto Fiverr to hire a graphic artist to make his cover art. They charge him $19.99 because they are eighteen. Because they only have 2 hours to come up with something, they just steal The Weeknd’s Dawn FM branding and manipulate it very slightly.
The engineers call him and say, “this is unfinished and the production quality is low because you gave us 3 hours, don’t release it, you will get roasted.” To this, Drake says “dedicate it to Virgil, then no one can say anything mean about it. You know, like Kylie’s Met dress.”
They do this.
They send Drake the final version at 11:58. He doesn’t listen to it because he’s never heard this album and why start now? They upload it to Spotify.
Drake is still in the club.
Truer things have happened
I remember my father looking me dead in the eyes while Nirvana was blaring in the background telling me to listen carefully to Smells Like Teen Spirit; “This is one of the most brilliant lines in rock music” he warns me moments before Kurt Kobain croons “oh well, whatever, never mind.”
I am revisiting these words. Because when I think of Drake, I think “oh well, whatever, never mind.” And so does he! Nothing instills a lack of confidence in a piece of work like naming it ‘Honestly, Nevermind.’ Okay! I will not mind then!
Drake dropped an album that is allegedly new. It’s allegedly not the same album as Certified Lover Boy which is allegedly not the same album as Scorpion. Everything post More Life has, in my opinion, been a blur.
The album is giving: sound cloud. It’s giving: garage band. I’m sorry, but there are teens on TikTok making more highly produced music in their bedrooms off of a macbook pro than whoever phoned it in for Drake.
It’s not that it’s bad, I actually like some of it, but it sounds so cheap!
My theory that Drake rushed this album because Beyoncé was about to come for his neck is honestly the only theory that makes any sense. Why else would a dance album be this half baked?!
Drake was seen at one of his album release parties responding to critics saying:
“It’s all good if you don’t get it yet. It’s all good,” said Drake. “That’s what we do. We wait for you to catch up. We’re in here, though. We’re caught up already. On to the next. My goodness.”
And I just….. I can’t be gaslit by Drake right now. My schedule is full.
Speaking of lies, Drake cast none other than public enemy #1: Tristan Thompson in his music video for the lead single, Falling Back. In the video, Tristan helps Drake marry 23 Instagram models because life imitates art.
Now, this is the sense of humor I expect from Drake. Because this is funny. Not “lmao” funny but actually like“I had a full body cringe the whole time” funny.
Yes, Drake! Strive for the high notes!
This is another song, and another music video where I’m seeing a man with large diamond studs act like he’s tougher than me.
The truest words Drake has ever cooed are: “I’m a popstar, not a doctor.” This is the truth! Drake is a popstar. Why we, as a community, have continued to give him this elite “rapper” status post More Life is on us. Let’s revoke that.
I will take any opportunity to bring up the Popstar music video because it is a collision of all of my interests! Justin Beiber playing a satirical version of himself? DJ Kahled forcing himself to have an unnecessary amount of screentime? Drake acting?! It has it all! Plus, I have that same blue fur coat that Justin is dancing in. And that feels right for me!
I will listen to this album in the gym. I will listen to this album while I clean. I will not listen to this album on my Hot Girl Walks which are reserved for either girly pop or devastating heartbreak anthems.
Beyoncé comes out as an anti-capitalist
Beyoncé dropped the first single off of her upcoming album “Renaissance I”. She really is in a renaissance! The evidence: this is a dance album.
To unveil her new era, Yoncé covered the July issue of Vogue, accompanied by what I can only assume is Vogue's shortest cover story, ever.
At one point, writer Edward Enninful describes her as: “Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, a writer of excellent and lengthy texts” which is about as much of a look behind the curtain as we get.
Enninful also spends some time talking about how fiercely private she is, and how that allows her to be more free within her protected spaces. This tells me one thing: she gave this man very little access. I bet he was at her house for a tight 90 minutes and 60 of those minutes were spent listening to the album.
The thought of being in Beyoncé’s home, sitting on a couch while she plays me her new music off of a laptop- sounds awful! What are you supposed to do? Make eye contact? Sway in your seat? It’s about as awkward as when people give 10 minute standing ovations at Cannes.
“Instantly, a wall of sound hits me. Soaring vocals and fierce beats combine and in a split second I’m transported back to the clubs of my youth. I want to get up and start throwing moves. It’s music I love to my core. Music that makes you rise, that turns your mind to cultures and subcultures, to our people past and present, music that will unite so many on the dance floor, music that touches your soul. As ever with Beyoncé, it is all about the intent. I sit back, after the wave, absorbing it all.”
Suffice to say… yes, please. Gimme.
The first single off of the upcoming album, Break My Soul, is… how do I say this… exactly everything that I wanted. I like to experience new Beyoncé privately (see above), so I strategically waited for my boyfriend to go outside for a smoke to listen to it. By the time he was back, I was transported to the club, dancing, light’s dimmed, and on my third stream. A BANGER.
I have a condition where when I listen to music I immediately know all of the words. It’s called: raised on pop, and it's very serious.
Immediately, I knew Beyoncé was telling me that I, too, should be in a renaissance era and release my job. Just release it! Let it’s go! Drop it! Move on!
Now, I just fell in love
And I just quit my job
I'm gonna find new drive
Damn, they work me so damn hard
Work by nine
Then off past five
And they work my nerves
That's why I cannot sleep at night
And then, of course:
Release ya job, release the time
Okay! Say less!
I always had a sneaking suspicion that Beyoncé didn’t’ believe in capitalism. Working five days a week? Eight hours each? Sir, you have the wrong girl…. We’re in the club now.
The only other thing I’m thinking about:
Joe hates Kevin!
The Kevin slander bothers me because Joe and Nick are already the obvious favorites so why not throw him a bone! Say Kevin is the best! Gas him up just once! Doesn’t sit right.
On the pod:
New episode of Talk Rodeo comes out on Friday! You can listen to the last two episodes here:
In last week’s episode, we did a deep dive into Rhode vs SKKN and talk about PR moves that I wish Kim had made instead. Also, as promised, I ordered some Rhode products and will be ruthless in my review of them once they arrive.
Friday’s episode will cover this week in pop culture and next week’s episode will deep dive into the first few episodes of The Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip: Ex-Wives Club and all things Bravo!