Getting my f*ing ass up to work
Protect the Lacheys
This week we’re closing the chapter on Love Is Blind, I’m praying that Pete doesn’t go to space, my sisters are on the cover of Variety, plus a history lesson and a cause that’s close to my heart.
Shake it off
As promised: the Love Is Blind Reunion.
I watched it within hours of it coming out but I haven’t been ready to talk about it because, honestly, I can’t give Shake my clicks.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Love Is Blind divides the casual reality tv viewers from the elites.
We’re elites. So we all agree that this reunion was bad and unsatisfying. An elite reality tv viewer expects a certain cadence to their reunions: there needs to be structure so that everything gets covered. The host needs to be able to reign in people when they go off on too many tangents, they need to be able to stop arguments by flatly stating a fact or reciting exactly what happened, and most importantly, they can’t lose their cool within the first 2 minutes.
Unfortunately for the Lachey’s: they had to deal with Shake. Shake, who’s never been to Nobu, is an awful person and I am happy to be rid of him. Not as happy, perhaps, as Nick and Vanessa Lachey who came into this reunion ready to eat him alive. From the top, they had absolutely no chill.
Shake put on some kind of performance; he clearly showed up with an agenda that was either: behave as poorly as possible so that people will remember you. Or: assert your dominance by any means possible. Whatever he was going for he failed. Even Shayne found him disrespectful. As in the same Shayne that asks every girl what they're wearing, and is clearly doing coke at all hours.
Shake spoke over everyone, he insulted everyone, he tried to blame the show for his bad behavior (the show is perfect!), and he looked bad doing it. He came off as a desperate try-hard.
The power move of the day was Deepti saying “just let him talk”. She knew that giving him free range to talk meant he would dig his own grave, and she was right.
“Unfortunately I’m only attracted to Vanessa” - Shake’s last words.
Leave this planet why don’t you
Speaking of bad men, Jeff Bezos wants to take new pal Pete Davidson to space. Pete is frail, smokes like a chimney, has an autoimmune disease, and has never lived outside of his mother’s house. And Jeff thinks he can handle space? Now, I'm no doctor, though I have raised a cat that her vet said was “perfect” so, I feel comfortable saying— this is a horrible idea.
Peter has just mustered up the courage to move to Brooklyn. He’s taking a big-boy leap from one borough to another. That’s already one small step for most adults, one large step for Peter Davidson. There’s no need to layer on, you know, outerspace.
Plus, you can’t take travel advice from Jeff Bezos, who bears only a slight resemblance to an earthling on his best day. He needs a personal security detail at all times because he is one of the most hated “humans” on Earth. People are lining up to throw eggs at his yacht in the Netherlands. Is that how you want to travel, Peter? Dodging eggs?
I hate that Jeff Bezos is hanging with the cool kids. I don’t want him to have clout. I don’t even want him to have a good day.
Why would Pete leave this planet just as he’s become popular on it? Sure maybe he wants a break from Kanye’s antics but, and I can’t stress this enough… space?
The Comeback is Coming
“I dare you to write one issue that doesn't mention the Kardashians,” — an actual text from my actual father asking the impossible.
Kim is Elizabeth Taylor. She is Marilyn Monroe. We’re watching her impact—dare I say her legacy— play out in real time. To think I wouldn’t be fascinated by this and have something to say about it on a daily, nay—weekly, basis is… well… Allora.
Variety released a huge cover story featuring the sisters to promote The Kardashians, their upcoming Hulu show to replace what once was Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E!. They’ve described the new show as more “documentary style” and with a faster turn around. Fulwell 73, the production company behind the new series (unfortunately co-owned by James Corden), says that “retaining what made ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ a hit was critical.” Yeah, obviously.
“Keeping Up” is what made the Kardashians into the Kardashians. It’s what made Kim, Kylie, and Kendall each individually have more Instagram followers than Netflix has subscribers. It’s what took them from slinging onesies and head bows at Smooch and Dash, their ugly retail stores in the valley, to sitting front row at Milan Fashion Week and flying in a custom 95 million dollar jet with “cashmere walls.” (Please, someone tell me how you dry clean your walls.)
The profile is sprinkled with all kinds of reminders that these women are really, really, really powerful. And really, really really, really, rich. For example, the fact that their new Hulu deal is worth a rumored nine figures. As in, more than 8, which is more than 6, and therefore unimaginable.
“All of the Kardashian women say they prefer to drive themselves, rather than be chauffeured. And whenever they can, they pick up their kids from school.” Is another anecdote I enjoy, as it is both unrelatable and too honest. It reminds me of: “I watched my kids for like five hours today” — Kanye West, 2022.
“Kim bristles at the characterization that’s followed her for years — that she’s just famous for being famous. ‘Who gives a fuck,’ she says. ‘We focus on the positive. We work our asses off. If that’s what you think, then sorry. We just don’t have the energy for that. We don’t have to sing or dance or act; we get to live our lives — and hey, we made it. I don’t know what to tell you.’”
“Kim says she’s just being “factual”: ‘With all respect, and with love, I’m not, like, being a bitch.’”
And she’s not being a bitch, because she’s right. Kim’s personal life has been 90% of the pop culture news cycle this year so far. Her divorce, her new relationship with Pete Davidson, Kanye’s cyber bullying as per his album release— it’s internet fodder, but it’s also her career. Kim has built her platform on using her life’s events to drum up press about herself.
(Is “With all respect, and with love, I’m not, like, being a bitch” better or worse than “don’t ask me about Yeezys right now”? I’ll do a poll on IG. I’m torn.)
“‘I have not filmed with him,’ Kim says when asked whether [Davidson] will appear on the Hulu show. ‘And I’m not opposed to it. It’s just not what he does,’ she says, speaking about Davidson for the first time publicly. ‘But if there was an event happening and he was there, he wouldn’t tell the cameras to get away. I think I might film something really exciting coming, but it wouldn’t be for this season.’”
“Kim says that when the new show premieres, viewers will see ‘how we met and who reached out to who and how it happened and all the details that everyone wants to know.’ She continues, ‘I’m definitely open to talking, and I definitely explain it.’”
To that I say: inject this show into my veins. The thought of Kim, in the back of an Escalade, laughing with her assistants trying to think of what to text Pete Davidson back has me reeling.
Variety released an accompanying video to the story that is pure gold:
This look between Khloe and Kim when Kourtney says “knowing that, like, we need to workout in the morning before we kinda start our day” is why I love this family.
But then Kim says “I have the best advice for women in business”. And what was to follow is beside the point. I personally cannot not take business advice from Kim Kardashian and that is for one reason: she’s always been the boss, never the employee.
Kim has a team whose purpose is to literally and figuratively make her look good. Kim hires people who are experts and then spends her time “giving notes”. Kim going to work looks like one of two things: 1. Sitting at the head of a conference table where well-thought-out ideas that her team has labored over are presented to her, and she points on which ones she does and doesn’t like. Or at worst, she says “try again” and then they all try again. 2. Work looks like going to a photoshoot where 95 people ask her if she needs anything while a team of her choosing paints her face and pulls her hair into perfection.
I guess that sounds like hard work. But “get your fucking ass up and work” is not what I want to hear from my Kimberly Noel Kardashian, who was raised in a mansion.
If Kim wants to talk about hard work, I only want to hear about it in the context of raising North. Which seems exhausting.
North posted a Tiktok in full goth makeup singing to MGK. The cinematic experience features Penelope and Kim. It features black lipstick. It features tear streaks. It’s giving: black eye. It’s giving: the best publicity MGK could ever pay for.
The Only Other Things I’m Thinking About:
What tf is a rodeo break?
My friend, Beth, who writes the newsletter Curious Minds (a fantastic follow!) did this brilliant piece on what a Rodeo Break actually is. Fun fact: I did not invent this phrase! Not only is it a real practice in Arizona, it has a rich history in how it came to be. Highly recommend the read and giving Curious Minds a follow.
#EndEllen, my forever cause.
I cannot and will not give up my mission to #EndEllen. If you’re still unsure if she is a good person, please enjoy this video of MGK trying to be fun and her getting visibly annoyed.