The Feminine Urge to be Madonna
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This week we’re covering the new Madonna, Kourtney breaking the 4th wall, Austin Butler doesn’t know how to speak, Jlo & I are disappointed in the NFL, and Kate is looking extra British.
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Evidence Kate is ready to be Queen:
Who would have thought that just 4 months after Jason Lee pronounced The Queen dead she would be celebrating her Diamond Jubilee. What’s a diamond Jubilee you ask? Who knows, The Crown has only made it to the eighties.
At the Jubilee we saw Louis— the third child of Kate and William’s that I always forget exists— throwing a huge temper tantrum that would have any other child getting dragged out by their forearm and put in timeout without TV for the rest of the night. But not when there’s a camera around! If you’re wondering what the “stiff upper lip” of the royal family looks like, it’s Kate trying to discipline Louis without getting mad enough to launch a thousand “is she a good mother?” tabloid covers.
Did you kiss Gabriella Montez with that mouth?
Austin Butler has been speaking in a southern accent from the 50’s since getting cast as Elvis in the Elvis biopic. This would be fine, maybe even impressive, if the movie wasn’t wrapped, finished, and playing in theaters.
Austin Butler is from Anaheim California, which is where you end up when you take a wrong turn on your way to Disneyland. There might be some kind of Anaheim-specific accent out there that I don’t know about— but if there is, Austin doesn’t have it. I know this because I watched The Carrie Diaries in my youth.
Austin spent nine years dating Vanessa Hudgens, which means he’s no stranger to character work. If he needs to speak in an unbroken drawl for the entirety of the filming process I see and respect this. But I fear he thinks that he is Elvis. Or at least, he wishes.
Please enjoy this video of his new voice talking about useless things (whilst hot):
I’m seeing Elvis this weekend which I am very excited about. I’m scared that it will be awful— actually I’m terrified, because I’m looking forward to it so much. This movie is overdue!
To think it’s coming out just in time for Vegas’s ban on Elvis impersonators at their wedding chapels. The world is a wild place!
Speaking of movies, I don’t need this one.
Julia Garner has been cast as Madonna in the upcoming biopic.
Everything about this movie is fascinating to me except for the movie itself. According to Variety, who broke the news that the coveted role of Madonna had been cast, the process for selecting their star was grueling.
“A production timeline and other principal cast is still unknown. Actors in contention for the role include the previously reported Florence Pugh, “Euphoria” star Alexa Demie, and Odessa Young. Singers including Bebe Rexha and Sky Ferreira have also been floated. The audition process was reportedly grueling, as the music-heavy production requires a skilled singer and dancer.”
Now this, this! is what I want to see. All of Hollywood’s top starlets battling it out to play one of the most notorious pop stars of all time? Inject that into my veins.
I hope Bravo is working around the clock to gain the rights to this concept. Madonna will be the Tyra Banks figure, and the girls will be stuck living in some kind generic home together where they need to be ready to perform Get Into The Groove at a moment's notice.
Rarely do we hear about which other actors are up for a part when they don’t get it. That’s the kind of tea we usually get on a Late Night show twelve years later. Being armed with this insider information is making me too powerful. Imaging Alexa Demie and Florence Pugh in a house together, listening to Like a Prayer, chain smoking, and talking shit about the other girls— it just lights me up! Bravo I am handing you this pitch. You know what to do.
I think Julia is a great choice; she certainly looks like Madonna… but can she sing? We simply won’t know until we do know— and that doesn’t sit right.
Madonna is also apparently directing this movie, which is terrifying to me. In no world would I want to be directed by the person I’m playing. And moreover, never would I want Madonna to be directing me. I mean, look at her NFTs… is that who we want making the creative calls?
The funny one
When I think of Kourtney I think of this SKIMS commercial she did in 2019:
Kourtney is the most interesting to look at. She’s the funniest, she’s the most honest, and she’s been the most public about having issues with the show.
This week Kourtney did what I have been wanting them to do for years and that is talk about the show on the show. The most jarring part about watching a reality show is that the people on the show never talk about the fact that they’re on a reality show—but that show is their reality!
This family has been on reality tv for my entire adult life and they can’t acknowledge that? Because it will “break the fourth wall”?
Thankfully, Kourtney saw how ridiculous that looks. In the most recent episode she enjoys a lovely lunch of 1 whole avocado sliced on a plate and 3 quail eggs while she tells Stephanie Shepard about the filming process. Stephanie asks something we’ve never heard on the show before: “how’s filming going?” and Kourtney actually answers!
Kourtney tells her that she’s seen the first few episodes and she’s really unhappy with the way it’s being edited. She says that her story has been edited to be completely intertwined with Scott’s hurt feelings over her new relationship. She mentions that they made it look like the night of her engagement was all about dealing with Scott, when in reality that was hardly part of the night at all. She insists that she’s in a “fairytale” and that the show needs to “catch up”.
Kourtney is correct! Kourtney is the heart of the show— sorry Kim— and anyone who likes the show wants to see Kourtney be happy. Even if that means watching her make out with Travis at all the wrong times.
The NFL is always a bad idea
Jennifer Lopez’s upcoming Netflix documentary, Halftime, follows her journey to the Super Bowl Halftime Show where she performed alongside Shakira.
If that sounds familiar, it’s because Lady Gaga did the exact same thing in 2017 with her documentary Five Foot Two, which was great.
In the documentary, Jlo slams the NFL for booking two headliners without giving them any extra time.
E News recaps:
“Shakira expresses concern to Jennifer about the timing, noting that the NFL organizers want their respective songs to be "weaved" into the performance. To this, Jennifer says they will divide their 12 minutes equally, but adds, "If it was going to be a double-headliner, they should have given us 20 minutes. That's what they should've f--king done."
Her manager, Benny Medina, layers onto their frustration adding,
"Typically, you have one headliner at a Super Bowl," he said. "That headliner constructs a show and, should they choose to have other guests, that's their choice. It was an insult to say you needed two Latinas to do the job that one artist historically has done."
Mic drop, Benny!
I’m not sure we could have expected anything more from an organization that puts men in a pit and asks them to fight over a ball. What’s the one place you can take a bunch of promising young men and guarantee them a lifetime of wealth and commercial acting in exchange for risking countless brain injuries? The NFL.
I once received an email from a man who works for a major NFL team. He asked me if I ever wanted to rent out one of their private suites for a game. The hope was that I would bring a group of female colleagues and the NFL could point to us and say “Look, we appeal to women too!”. I declined because it wasn’t free.