Who is Louis and why is he trying me
first power rankings upset
This week we’re covering the Kardashian premiere, the Rihanna and A$AP split rumors that exhausted me, some thoughts on Coachella, and we have our first Architectural Digest Power Rankings bump!
You come to me, on the day of my teal couch arrival, and ask me to watch a premiere at midnight?
The Kardashians finally premiered on Hulu and my teal couch™and I loved it! I was skeptical if this new show would be any different from the original, because how different can following around the same family really be? A lot of people were quick to notice the stylistic changes— it’s very glam and shiny.
The biggest production difference is that the new show features these ad-hoc interviews where they will address the camera head on. On Keeping Up, they clung to that fourth wall for dear life. The importance of having the show be tied up with a bow and feeling as “real and relatable” as possible was of paramount. They never directly addressed or acknowledged the cameras, and they always had some fabricated reason to all be in the same room together.
The Kardashians, on the other hand, literally has Kim looking directly into the camera while she loads her plate up with beige foods to say, “I”m only, like, 80% vegan.” And with that I knew we were really experimenting here.
The difference that I found the most jarring is how much they abandoned the “we’re still the same family from Calabasas” and instead gave us: “we are ultra rich and uber famous.”
This change was most obvious in the way Kim handles the main arc of the episode: the threat of another sex tape. At first this came off very copy/paste, seeing how this exact same topic is the arc of their original first episode 14 years ago. Back then, Kim was ridiculed, slut shamed, pigeonholed, and did her iconic ugly cry for the first of what would be many times on camera.
The fear felt very real, they didn’t have that many resources, or that much influence at the time. They were upper-middle class Valley dwellers whose closest brush with fame was the OJ Simpson trial and Paris Hilton's then-unorganized closet.
Having this parallel was pretty striking. When Saint, Kim’s eldest son (4), shows her a picture of her crying face on an ad that popped up on Roblox (a child's thing? A game?), he’s not old enough to read that it’s actually an ad for “Kim Kardashian’s unreleased sex tape.”
Kim, a lawyer as per Pete’s tattoo, takes this very seriously and tells the four year old, “well we’re gonna sue.” The rest of the episode shows her on the phone with (real) lawyers demanding to find where these claims came from.
In their original pilot episode in 2007 Kim was hysterical at the news of her sex tape, heart broken that her career was over before it started. This time, while she’s still hurt by the claims, she is fearless and unwavering in the fact that she has the upper hand. The episode even closes with her saying, “I have all the time, all the money, and all the resources, to burn them to the fucking ground.” That’s when I knew we were reentering The Kardashians with thee Kardashians and no longer cosplaying that they are underdogs.
Arguably the best part of this episode was when Kim initially sees the ad on Saint’s iPad, she casually says “Khloe look at this,” and in the background you see Tristain’s soul leave his body. This TikTok zooms in on his darting eyes. You know full well he thought in that moment he was caught.
I guess the drama of him fathering another baby with someone is going to be covered on this season and Kim is the one that breaks the news to Khloe. There is nothing worse than an ever-guilty man continuing to be a disappointment. Also, I just learned that he’s not even very good at basketball.
Move to New York they say, it’ll be fun they say
One day I was very tan living in Los Angeles. And the next, I was very broke living in New York. The thing about living in NYC is that it’s the center of the universe. So therefore, it is the best place to be at any given time.
Even when something really, really scary happens, I’d be a fool if I thought I would be happier living elsewhere. The risk of danger is everywhere, unfortunately. If I’m going to live in fear I’m going to do it in the center of everything and have fun the entire time.
So consider this a reminder to vote towards stricter gun laws from an unlikely source.
Per my instagram, you’ll know that the only kind of shooting I like is Botox entering my forehead.
Who gave Louis power?
On Wednesday I was perched on my teal couch™, eating $11 chocolate covered almonds, and reading Rihanna’s Vogue cover. She’s just so Rihanna. Every other sentence I would smile and think that is just so her! The profile mostly focused on her style, her pregnancy, and her new found love with baby daddy A$AP Rocky, who has great skin.
On Thursday night there were suddenly rumors that A$AP had cheated on Rihanna with footwear designer, Amina Muaddi. It all started with a tweet:
Who is Louis and why does he feel comfortable breaking this news? Who among us gave one Louis enough power to launch a thousand tweets and cause a legitimate cheating scandal? Who? If Louis thinks he’s going to bring stress into the pregnant bliss of MY Rihanna he has another thing coming.
Louis’s tweet is giving: Jason Lee. It’s giving: Hollywood Unlocked having the exclusive on The Queen being dead. The Queen is not dead and if she were, Hollywood Unlocked would be among the last to know. Similarly, if A$AP had indeed cheated on Rihanna whilst she’s nine months pregnant… Louis doesn't know about it. Do not allow this man to break a story.
This rumor gained so much traction that Amina was forced to put out a statement insisting that this is untrue because of course it is!
Even TMZ —a media bottomfeeder— is posting in defense of not giving this rumor attention. You know it’s bad when TMZ is correcting you, Louis.
He has since apologized for “posting information he heard.” You know what Louis? I hear a lot of information. I ride the MTA everyday and I hear all kinds of hot goss. That does not make any of it fact or any of it my business. Please, I will not allow pregnant Rihanna to be put under distress like this.
I could not, would not, be at Coachella
Sand, dust, bathroom lines, Fentanyl, sun exposure, heat. No <3.
I have never really understood the allure of Coachella beyond the photo ops. You can’t tell me it’s for the music because from what I’ve seen, you’re always 22 yards away from the stage. And the layout confuses me. Are you given maps? How do you know what time to line up for Megan Thee Stallion?
Though it does seem like you really get your steps in, which is appealing.
If you were going to lure me there, this photo might get me halfway to Palm Springs. There is something about this duo that is… perfect, hot, everything.
Shiana Twain wrote the lyric “man, I feel like a woman” and no one ever recovered! Harry wrote the lyric “watermelon sugar high” and it’s still playing at your supermarket!
They are both in sequins reminiscent of this iconic fashion moment:
But you know a great way to experience such a hot duo? The Coachella live stream on YouTube. You can watch it from the comfort of your (teal™) couch. And for free!
Also at Coachella are other celebrities wearing various bra tops. In particular, the cast of Vanderpump Rules. Kylie and Hailey Bieber showed up for Justin’s surprise performance of “Peaches” both wearing jeans and oversized leather jackets, like realists. Kendall is rocking her new face and an all white fit— which, in the dusty desert, is kind of a flex.
If I was there (I wouldn’t be), I would be wearing some sort of reversible outfit that also doubles as shelter or a shield so that I could create my own “me time.” Until that exists, it’s a pass for me.
(Should I rewatch The Hannah Montana Movie and review it for a future issue? Let me know on IG but the answer is prob yes.)
Architectural Digest Power Rankings: our first upset
I love everything about Kacey Musgraves house except for the fact that it is missing one incredibly important thing: a view.
This woman has six Grammys including album of the year and yet she’s looking into other people’s backyards. At one point she even jokes about rushing passed windows after her shower because of exactly that.
Aside from that, this home is fantastic. Its layout is kind of odd and its decorated in a fashion that only makes sense if you live in the designated areas: the upstairs sitting room, the kitchen, the bathroom; otherwise, you’re in a sea of white and breakables.
The best part about her house is all of the fun eclectic art that she has collected herself over the years. There are so many personal touches, a few blown up photos of her mom, a framed joint from Woody Nelson, and a bunch of her own pottery work. If anything, this video reminded me that Kacey Musgraaves is cooler than me and has more hours in her day.
It’s modern but it isn't cold. It’s trendy but it isn’t basic. There’s a youthfulness and a coziness to her home that feels really authentic. She doesn’t mention if she worked with an interior designer here, and if she did, I’m not sure what they added because she had a story about how she “found” almost every item in each room. From artwork to lighting fixtures, you can tell she was really involved, and took a lot of care, in creating this house. And with that, she needs to be in the top ten, giving us our first bump.
My most up to date power rankings are here, and as promised— nothing but upsets from here on out. Happy to give the honors to Miss Kacey.
#1. Mark Ronson
#7 Troye Sivan
#8 Andy Cohen
#9 Liv Tyler
#10 Ashley Tisdale
That means we have our first bump: sorry Devin Booker. Your house looks exactly like Kendall’s and her’s isn’t in Arizona. So, she won that battle. Don’t feel bad, it’s an honor just to be mentioned.
I’m leaving for Europe in a couple of days so that I can say “Allora!” to people in person. Except that I’m not going to Italy… but Allora is universal 2 me :).
Because of the time difference/ the bliss I will be in, both this newsletter and @rodeobreak on IG might be a little off schedule. Bear with me and keep dming me everything all the time.