it takes 50 million dollars to look this cheap
the oligarchy ball
Jeff Bezos couldn’t spring for the Saturday wedding
Weeknight weddings are for the working class, sorry.
I’m currently planning my own wedding, and a Friday night fête is very much in the cards. But here’s the thing, I’m not the richest man on Earth :/. I can stand to save a few thousand bucks. What’s your excuse, Jeffery?
Dolly Parton, the patron saint of Rodeo Break, once said that “it takes a lot of money to look this cheap” in reference to herself. In the case of the Bezos wedding: it takes approximately 50 million dollars.
I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos, a man who looks like he was carved from wax, has awful taste. Of course he does, just look at him.
But I’m confused, because taste is something you can hire out. You can bring a designer or a planner on board specifically for their good taste, their instincts. Surely this wedding had a minimum of 30 planners on deck orchestrating every last detail. Teams of experts were laboring over logistics, while all Lauren Sanchez had to do was point at her perfectly presented options.
Which means that at some point there was a zoom call where Lauren Sanchez approved this carpet.
Marbled grey carpet in Venice, Italy? Are you f***ing serious right now?!? You couldn’t pay me to get married on that DMV dusty slab of crap.
And the dress… Let me say this: I don’t believe in bullying women and criticizing them for their looks. But thankfully these aren’t real people, these are billionaires who have absolutely no regard for the way they are single handedly sending our planet to an early grave! This man accumulates wealth by the second, while his factory workers are literally dying on the factory floor and unable to afford healthcare. So, no, I don’t care if it’s not nice to say that they look ugly.
So anyway, they look so ugly.
This dress looks cheap as hell. It’s giving Princess Polly. That lace is in the tackiest possible shade of white and he looks like a deflated Mr. Clean. Horrendous!!
All that money and not a single clue. And it extends to the guests, as far as I can tell the dress code was: be ugly.
Those of you who attended the Amazon wedding: I see you. You think you can hide but that’s an insane thing to think. Showing up to this wedding after Jeff (and Lauren, in a push up bra) attended the inauguration?? You will have your day in court.
Let’s take a look at who was present.
Kendall and Kylie Jenner, I’m never surprised to see you in the wrong place. Kylie is wearing the most inappropriate dress you could possibly wear to a wedding. If someone showed up to my wedding in a floor-length white dress made to look like lingerie, I would call the police.
Also, I feel like Timmy voted for Zohran, so I’m confused why he’s cool with Kylie attending the Oligarchy Ball. But as usual, I have no idea what those two could possibly talk about.
The family travels in a pack so of course Kris Jenner and Corey Gamble were there being sketchy. Yawn.
Oprah and Gale continue their year of mass disappointment.
Orlando Bloom sans Katy Perry. I see you.
I was surprised to see Sydney Sweeney. Not because I think she is on a moral high ground (the opposite, if anything), but because I don’t feel like shes’ been around long enough to get an invite? I guess there are no rules when you’re a hot blonde.
Usher and Tom Brady… it makes sense that they were free.
And there it is, folks!! Ivanka Tru*p and Jared Kushner. If they are there, you’re in the wrong place!!!
Where there is a Kushner there is also Karlie Kloss. Do not forget what side of the aisle she’s on!!
Kim and Khloe looking as empty as ever. Not shocked to see them jumping at any opportunity to celebrate wealth since they have no moral compass to bond them.
Last but not least:
Leonardo DiCaprio? I see you. I see you hiding under your Amazon Basics cap. You think just because your face is hidden that this won’t tarnish your record of being an environmentalist? You think that polyester brim will save you from us literally never taking any of your conservation work seriously ever again? Enough.
Here’s the thing: it’s not even fun
Everything I’ve learned about Lauren Sanchez is summed up into one thing: she’s a good hang. She’s fun, people like her. Sure! If I had all the money in the world I would be a hell of a good time, too.
But why does it seem like these people have no friends? Going through your rolodex and selecting the most famous, clout-inducing names to parade around your opulent party is… so embarrassing.
Sydney Sweeney? Really?
I guess being famous and hot gets you an invite when the point of the function is to get press. This is a wedding about celebrating status. This is a wedding where the bride did her first look with an editorial team instead of a loved one. This is a circus of wealth.
And it’s so ugly that it’s not even fun.
